The Tragedy of broken confidence

She was driving around town, doing her Door dash 

when in chimed her ex. 

He wasn't even kind or loving. 

He was cold and hateful. 

He was telling her to stop clicking on his posts, an then 

going into a hateful downward spiral about how she was 

never a good person let alone a worthy person to anyone else. 

Then he told her to go and get back together with others 

whom she was with before and that he hoped that she would die

of an incurable disease because of it. 

She didn't understand. 

Where was all this coming from? 

Especially when all she ever was with him, 

was honest, loving, and caring... 

But then when she reversed it.. 

Reflected it like a mirror. 

She saw it.. 

The unanswered questions...

\\\\

Where did she have no self confidence for herself and her life 

moving forward? 

Where was she depending on another, especially 'A Daddy" 

To help her and tell her were to go... 

What to do?

Who to be with? 

And there it was. 

The truth. 

The truth to her life. 

And all that she needed to step into. 

Her self confidence with not only God, 

But with herself...

Would she be able to do it?

When you Role the Die in Life...

 She caught herself looking out there again for something that 

was so obviously always found right there in front of her... 

It was that NEXT STEP...

That was it. 

The Heart was always found right there in that very next step.

So for her, when it was time to awaken her feminine energy, 

all she really needed to do was listen and follow her heart's

current energy flow. 

She realized that her heart had always had all the answers. 

She felt them. 

They came in loud and clear always. 

But her ego had found a way to make her believe that she 

was deaf and needed to listen more to outside validations. 

This was quite the 'ah ha!' moment for her. 

As she sat in her favorite coffee house at the Dunkin Donuts,

she could hardly contain herself from leaping up for joy!

This new found revelation had unchained her! 

Freed her from her own imprisonment!

Somewhere in the midst of growing up, she must have put the 

shackles on her heart out of fear of perhaps hurting 

someone she really cared about outside of her own heart, 

to the detriment of her own self Love!

She allowed her heart to be unheard for the love of a lie.

A lie that it was okay to be abusive.

And she learned that the hard way. 

Through experience. 

Experience that in order to be abusive to others,

 one must first abuse themselves! 

And in her lifetime... 

She realized that she was always attracting men who would 

abuse her... 

And with each abusive man, she was always calling cops on them

to be removed from her in order to save her own life. 

But the attraction was always in her.. 

Like a magnet. 

The self abuse that she had accepted when she choose to love 

the lie that it was okay to love someone who hurt another. 

This was definitely a mirror reflection she thought. 

And finally she chose to see it for what it truly was.

Her own reflection.

And so here she was today... realizing once and for all that 

it wasn't the abusive men who needed removing from her life. 

It was her own self abuse that needed acceptance and eventually 

Transformation. 

It was right then and there that she was truly grateful...

And as she gave her thanks to God and the universe for 

helping her to see, feel, and understand this very lesson...

It was then that she felt the integration...

And with her newfound Wisdom, she was ready to go to the 

next level of her existence in this game she called Life... 

Don't MiND me...

It was time to close the door on who she used to pretend so hard to be. 

The universe was no longer supporting her in her miserable state. 

God came to her and said, 

"Woman, wake up!"

And so she gathered all her false beliefs and tied them all up into a bundle. 

And she threw them all out the car window as she was driving down 

the Highway to Hell. 

Okay... it was Highway 10... But same difference she thought... 

So then who was she? 

Honestly?

Well... 

She was a very masculine energy woman. And she needed to 

reconnect with her feminine energy if it was the last dying wish

she was needing to make... 

God and her arch angels where definitely on top of this next mission.

They were all guiding her ever so clearly... 

Everywhere she looked... When she wasn't expecting it... there they were. 

Smiling that sly smile that told her two things...

Number one... That she was safe and needed not to worry so much.. 

Because the only way to activate the feminine energy was indeed 

to rest safely in God's security. 

But also number two... that she really needed to stop using her head so much

especially when things were starting to get really hard! 

But she had been so used to going straight to her Brain for all the answers

that now, when it was time to turn to the heart...

She couldn't find her way home...

 She caught herself going back to all the places... or memories that 

used to feel comfortable... 

But as she stood in the middle of it all... 

It seemed to have all turned her down. 

Just as her family had done back in the Sunshine state..

Maybe she wasn't supposed to go back to an external place

that made her feel good... 

Maybe to go to her heart was a completely different idea...

Nah, ideas came from the mind also... so she knew that wasn't it. 

She really had to just surrender this time... 

But what did that even mean? 

Especially to her... a forever warrior... 

"Ugh... She sighed...

Why did life have to be so hard to figure out?

To Be Continued...

I NeeD Me B4 I NeeD U

She sat at the coffee house waiting for the time to pass. 

It was chilly out and was only going to get colder by moonlight.

So she figured why not warm up while businesses were open. 

Then once they all closed, then she would have to face the 

winter chill with only a metal exterior and 6 windows to 

keep her warm.. 

Who was she kidding? 

She very well knew she had the heater just incase

she absolutely needed to heat up with more then what a beer, 

 winter clothes, and several layers of thick blankets

could provide.

She really wasn't worried at all. 

She was however playing the waiting game though. 

And sometimes, waiting took a lot of strength... 

And she knew that behind strength really was the power of faith.

And faith came from spirituality.

 Which she knew matter of factly that she had more that 100% of..

She practiced walking into her fears on the daily

 and that was exactly what faith and spirituality really were all about

However, what she needed to work on though, was her staying power. 

Even though, staying required facing a fear, it was never about

fear when it came to 'staying' for her. 

So then what was it?

This is what she really had to ponder about her life thus far.

 And so she asked herself,

Why was she always doing things in her life that she really didn't

even enjoy?

To the point that she always had to vacate it? 

Which of course, made her appear as a flake.

A snow flake...

Airhead?

Naive?

Childish?

Why did she want to continue this route? 

Or did she? 

Maybe that is why she was here.

In her favorite place. 

In her favorite season. 

In her favorite coffee house blogging away as she always loved to. 

Maybe this time she was finally taking that step to do what she 

truly loved. 

And that was to be her. 

Her true authentic self. 

Even if she didn't know where it was going to end up. 

She knew it couldn't be bad for her again

 especially if she was going to go from her self love and heart this time.

Illusion Delusion Just once more

 She was driving down the road. 

Radio blasting her Spanish favorites..

When a thought popped into her head... 

A scene actually... 

So she entertained it...

There was an office setting. 

A big desk. 

A file cabinet...

And a man in a suit that sat behind the great big desk. 

He sat there with a frustrated look on his face. 

He was writing down names on a yellow line notepad. 

He mumbled to himself in disgust, 

"How man thumbs do I gotta break this week?"

And he began to write down name after name, 

when he realized that he didn't have his Energy drink yet.

He leaned over and pushed the red button on his phone marked 

'Intercom'.

"Send in Bambita Pronto!" He spoke forcefully.

"Yes Mr.Lopez, Right Away!" Responded a mature female voice.

Not even a minute later, the door cracks open and a beautiful 

sexy blonde glides in...

"How may I assist you Mister Lopez Sir?"

and offers a curtsy...

"You can start by wiping that god awful smirk off your face, that's how!"

She was taken aback! 

But she also knew that this was a part of the 

job description to which she had agreed to. 

So she did exactly as he commanded. 

"Yes sir, as you wish..." She concurred.

"Is there anything else master Lopez that you wish?"

"Yes Bambita. Seek me my Energy Drink Pronto!"

She nodded and softly spoke, "Yes Sir Master. Lopez. Right away sir."

She spun around on her heels and went straight out the door. 

As the door closed, Boss man Lopez sat at his desk with his hands 

gripping the pencil with which he was writing the names, 

when he realized he had broken the pencil in two.

Why did Bambita have to look so enticing all the time? He thought.

And why did she always have to wear such revealing outfits? 

He realized he was beginning to perspire just by envisioning

 her bare smooth luscious thighs that ran all the way up to... 

And then his concentration was broken when the door opened 

once again... 

Bambita rushed in almost tripping on her own left foot, but caught herself...

She slowed down and walked up to the huge desk where he was seated and 

she place the energy drink on a coaster on his desk. 

"Your drink, Master Lopez." She asserted in the politest tone she could muster

without sounding like she was afraid to be shot for even speaking. 

Then she turned and began to walk away, when he immediately uttered, 

"Bambita! Come here!

 Then continued to point at a chair in front of the 

great big desk...

 "Sit, Please."

Bambita turned around and came back slowly. 

"Yes, Master Lopez. Did I fail you in some way sir?"

"Not so much as failed... I wouldn't say that, Bambita.. But I must 

say this now to you or I believe we will have a lot to e'splain later."

"I don't understand, Mr. Lopez..." she pleaded.. 

It's your Blouse Bambita... There is way too much showing..

How do you expect me to get any work done around here with 

you coming around and teasing the entire office!"

"Oh heaven's! I didn't even realize it, Mr. Lopez.. Please do forgive me.. 

I will button it up immediately!" She replied.

"No Bambita! You have done enough damage. I will do it myself."

He reached over and grabbed the blouse where it came to a 'V' near her chest.

His hands were so warm and hard... 

Bambita gasped for her next breath...

She looked up and her eyes met his eyes.. 

"I'm sorry sir," she muttered.. 

"I didn't mean to get startled".

Mr. Lopez felt his own heart beat faster with her blue eyes staring deeply into his...

He almost lost all control from his appetite for her, but then broke his gaze

from her eyes

 and softly whispered in her ear in a slow deep tone, 

"Just don't let it happen again"

Then his hands began to brush against her skin and the warmth began to ignite 

more flames in her then she was ever prepared for... 

Her chest began to rise and fall faster and faster

 and she was afraid he was going 

to notice her burning desire all too soon...

But then to her surprise, he wasn't buttoning up her blouse..

He was unbuttoning it!

No sooner then later, his warm masculine hands had 

 forcefully slid into her bra and encompassed her breasts. 

She didn't even get the chance to gasp, because right away, 

his mouth had seized hers!

And then the vision bubble broke... 

She had arrived at her next delivery sight and so she put the story to bed...

Just like that. 

No MoRe Fights...

One of her biggest lessons in this life was to own her truth! 

As easy as that had sounded... she never thought it would have 

been so hard to achieve..

Why?

Because Attachment had the biggest hold on her. 

She had an addictive personality flaw. 

She kept getting attached to people who really didn't 

have her best interest in mind.

 

It's almost like she enjoyed the fight. 

She wondered if this was because she had felt so 

comfortable being a warrior in a past life.

She was in deed the best one of her time. 

But in this life time... 

She knew she was not here to fight. 

She made sure to make it very obvious to herself. 

So she couldn't play dumb. 

She couldn't pretend to NOT KNOW.

Cause she was very much in the know. 

Even to the point of being able to read it in the stars. 

And so here she was today... 

Ready to end the game she played with herself.

She wasn't going to fight any one any more. 

And she definitely wasn't going to fight her own heart ever again.

It was a time to surrender. 

And she was ready. 

After her last fight... 

She didn't find it fun anymore to be the winner. 

The warrior... 

She needed someone to match her. 

Someone who allowed her to be herself. 

But that someone first had to be herself. 

She had to allow herself to walk in her own truth.

She had to own her own magic, 

with love. 

But before she could do that... 

She knew she had to find her vibe again.

And that required for her to go back to all that she loved about who she was.

One kick,

One beat,

One hike,

One flake,

at a time...

 

Who are you? Who am I?

 She wasn't going to fall for it this time. 

It was Valentine's Day and even though it was her favorite 

holiday, she wasn't going to let him ruin it for her. 

Who was he? 

He was her Plutonic Twin. 

Meaning that he and she both had planned to come together 

to learn self esteem and self confidence issues that they both had 

been carrying for so many lifetimes ago, that it was time to wake up!

So of course, when on Valentine's day He decided to show a small move,

she had deemed it too small... Way too small in fact. 

Especially after all that he had said and done. 

He basically admitted to her that he had been sleeping with 

several people and that they were what he was looking for. 

She was not one to play games. 

She believed every word spoken. 

She never doubted anything.

She took words very seriously. 

Because she only spoke truth. 

So she expected only truth from others. 

And when he had said he had much better escapades then her. 

That was her sign to let it go. 

And even though she was a slow turtle when it came to 

running the race.. 

She knew that Eventually, she would win the race. 

But was it ever really a race? 

Or was it something else? 

ALways HeRe and NoW...

 Why did she always do it?

She had to ask herself several times... 

But eventually she got what she wanted to hear..

Which was the truth.

And just what was the truth though? 

Well before that could be revealed..

She knew that the first thing to understand 

was, in fact, the question.

And so what was the question? 

She thought long and hard... But eventually came to it.

The question was... 

WHY?

Why did she always agree to do things that she really

did not feel connected to in her heart?

And to answer that question... 

She dug deep and found that a lot of times, 

she was doing and choosing things all because there was 

a status quo that she was trying to please.

She also knew that a lot of times, 

she was trying to get validations from people she thought 

were the dictators of her life. 

And so with this false belief, she went through many...

And with each, she endured a lot of abuse. 

But she did it with valor. 

Why? 

Simply because she had thought that is what was expected of her. 

But eventually.. 

Many wasted years later, she had found out the truth.

The truth that she was wrong. 

There really wasn't anyone who held a spot higher then 

her true self and the God in her 

And so... there she was.. 

Middle aged and starting again. 

Where would she go this time?

What would she do this time?

These were now all up to her. 

No one else. 

And she was ready...

She really wanted to try one last time. 

To see where she would take herself.

With no one else to please but herself, life began to look 

exciting... but also scary... 

It was almost like walking a desert.. 

Nothing but blank space ahead to create whatever she wanted... 

But what did she really want? 

That was the one question she learned she didn't have to answer.

Ever. 

She just had to live it. 

And that is exactly what she had planned to do... 

One day at a time. 

Beginning with the NOW moment. 

Found it!

 He kept trying... 

But she was done.

He was now about to feel all that the others before him had felt.

Cause she was that magic.

That magic that only came like a comet. 

And men will always speak of her as such...

"She was a unique constellation of attributes; she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart"

And so it was. 

She knew he would deny it though if ever asked. 

He would say all kinds of negatives about her. 

He would trash her beyond recognition. 

She knew this. 

But she also knew that she didn't believe any of it.

She knew who she was. 

And she knew she was a gift.

A gift of Love to anyone who knew how to attract her!

But the attraction wasn't enough to keep her. 

In order to keep her type of love, a man would have to own 

the same type of love for himself. 

And this guy who followed her around like a little lost puppy...

unfortunately didn't know the first thing about what loving himself 

looked like. 

He just knew how to dictate and push himself. 

He was on the fast track to death, in her eyes. 

And that wasn't the

type of man she could see herself living life with.

Cuz eventually he would die. 

He'd basically lead himself to his own death bed before it was even time! 

So... 

Here she was.. 

Starting again.

She looked in the mirror and gave herself a sly smile and a wink. 

She was owning it this time.

Who she was. 

And where she would end up, 

were all in her hand...

Or actually...

Her heart, 

as she had finally learned! 

One last Shot

 It was that time again. 

Her life had come to the same ending as it always had

 many times over.

Her recent relationship with another human had run it's course

yet again as it always did in the past.

Only this time... 

She saw it clearly. 

Finally!

All those times before, she used to put her power out there.

She had thought that by giving of herself to others all that she knew

and had within her...

That it would somehow magically give her, love back in return.

But little did she know... 

That if she didn't already feel and have love in her

for herself first and foremost... 

That the very things that she was giving and putting out, 

really were not that of love. 

In fact, the energy that she was really putting out was indeed 

negative energy. 

And with that negative energy, all she was able to attract was 

the same negative energy. 

Why?

She had learned... no sooner then later, that it was because

relationships where indeed meant for not only love and reproduction,

but also for reflection.  

And so with this final revelation... 

She was now ready to once again move forward. 

Only this time... 

She wasn't going to self destruct!

She was going to live.

And she was going to really LOVE.

First God.

Then herself. 

And Finally, Others. 

The Bright Darkness Dims

 Her fear of making mistakes and proving herself a failure

was beginning to show up again in real life. 

It was February 2nd... Ground Hogs Day! 

Was it time for another repeat?

This too was also a fear she held tightly to.

But as a teacher to the whole world, 

She always taught them that holding on to fears and running with them

was the very thing that was going to secure that very fear 

in their here and now.

Yet, when it was her time to face those exact same choices in life,

it allowed her to feel the heavy weight of that saying, 

"It's easier said then done".

She sat outside on her porch contemplating what was real 

and what was make believe... 

She looked around herself and she saw that she was very grateful

for what she was given during hard times. 

Yet, she knew that she needed to get back on her feet because 

tensions were proving that time was not only running out 

but that it would be a harsh deadline without pay. 

And there was that word. 

PAY...

Why did that word strike up so much fear in her? 

As if there was a price to pay for being who she was. 

She tried not to focus on this fear. 

But instead she welcomed it. 

As the fear lifted... she began to see clearly where she kept 

going in circles with that very fear. 

The fear of not being paid for doing those things in life that actually

excited her. 

The fear that the things that she enjoyed and was inspired by each day,

would always have to be put away for later because of the fear

that they would not bring her abundance the same way 

that getting paid did when doing something for someone else

in their timing and their way. 

However, still having to wait for the pay a week or two later, 

created worry then for the money to come in time to pay bills

that punished harshly when not paid in time. 

And that very fear was what kept the cycle repeating...

But so... 

what was as the ROOT of this fear, she thought?

Failure. 

But to whom she thought? 

Because when she did what she enjoyed, she was a winner.

She didn't care who agreed or didn't. 

And when she was a winner, sure enough the abundance flowed in

like a river that was overflowing. 

It was her mindset. 

That was where the fear had took her hostage.

Her view that life had to be lived a certain way. 

That life had to look a certain way. 

That is where her truth had taken a backseat, because 

her truth had so much more to offer then what she allowed herself

to believe was all there was. 

Her fire was in her heart. 

She needed to allow herself to warm up by that very fire.

It was never out side of her. 

The fires she would make outside, always needed 

a lot of attention and were never guaranteed,

 whereas the fire within her heart only needed her 

to be alive and just live. 

And this is where the repeat would stop and the flow 

would once again begin.

When she followed her heart!